SCHOOL FEES
Kofi was sacked from a boarding school for not paying his tuition fees. He quickly sent a telegram to his father. These were the words he wrote:

Hi Dad,
School fees unpaid, classroom unstayed, dining room ungone. Send me gari and shito otherwise dead body.

 THE ANGRY GIRL'S LETTER

Dear my dearest,
This is your girlfriend calling you from Besease town. Before I go on, how is your air condition? When you come to eat your holiday vacation you do something I don't like at all. You take another girlfriendship and so it pains me.
The first time you see me you say I beautiful than all the girls in Besease town but I hear people say you say I no beautiful. If I no beautiful I wont say anything. I will give all to God and God will eat my case for me. Even when you came to eat your holiday vacation and it is raining you pass through the rain and come and stand by my window place and call me. And do you think what you have done if I throw you medicine it won't hit you? It will hit you only I am a Christianity so I won't throw you. Now I get a new boyfriendship and he do work in aeroplane.

Even you the first time I love you friendship you say you will give me this you will give me that and so you thinking the secondary school you go I can't go some. I can go some. I can go some. You say I no beautiful, I and you who is beautiful? Your face like a goat. Because of what you have done, God will beat you with a stick and eat my case for me. When you come to Besease I will show you wise. Apiiitor.

Your girlfriendship.
Aggie

LAWYERS!!!

Reported in the Nairobi Bar Association Lawyers monthly Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by lawyers during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

 6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Kimani, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: "I went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by whose death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a exposition notice which I sent to your lawyer?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

WHISPER

Once a young boy (about 5yrs) went to church with her mother and this was ensued between them as the church service went on.

Boy: Mum, I want to urinate...
Mother: Hey, Kofi, don't say that. It’s not polite. Say I want to whisper.

the following week, the boy went to church with his father and in the middle
of the service the boy asked again.

Boy: Dad, I want to Whisper
Dad: Oh, kofi never mind, you can whisper into my ears.

THE PRAYER OF THE CHRISTIAN BACHELOR

Lord, you know I love Christi, but there is also Anastasia and am not forgetting Beatrice even though I've not mentioned Grace.

Recently, when I was with Agnes after leaving Patricia, I met Gifty at the Choir and not to mention Joana at the other fellowship.

Oh! Lord am now confused, because a few days after leaving Mary, I've met Judith who has impressed me more than Irene. Lord I need your answer.

MR. NOTHING SPEECH

Good morning and Good Day to you all, ladies and gentle men gathered here. It is my privilege to stand before you, stand behind you, to tell you something I know nothing about. Last week Wednesday, the day before Thursday, there was to be men meeting for women only. The rate is free, but don't forget to pay at the gate. Put up a chair by sitting on the floor, then we shall all discover the four corners of the round table. Thanks for your honor.

WHY COW?

A student was severely punished by a teacher for failing to spell the word "COW" correctly. The student reported this to his father in the house and this was what ensued between the father and the teacher.

Father: why did you punish my child for not able to spell this big animal "COW".
Teacher: Sir, but it’s not difficult to spell and....
Father: And what? This small boy, how can he spell "COW", instead of you giving him a simple small word like "MOSQUITO". You couldn't reason and gave him such big Animal to spell.